“There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,

She had so many children she didn't know what to do.

She gave them some broth without any bread

She whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.”

The corn – er rose – is as high as an elephant's eye…

Remember the old woman who lived in the shoe? Sure you do. Who doesn't remember that poor woman who had so many children she didn't know what to do? Her story has been told generation after generation since sometime before 1797, when it first appeared in print. What's that got to do with the price of eggs – er – roses? For her, it was children – for me it's roses.

I listen patiently as one after another of those bitten by the rose bug tell of starting with just a few roses and suddenly finding themselves with 30, 50 or even 100 roses after a three or four years. Impressive? Perhaps, but when I think of a number like 100, I'm more likely to be referring to the number of polyanthas I grow four years or so after planting my first rose bush. Add those polyanthas to roughly 70 species roses, 50 climbers – well, you get the idea – when you total up all of the various classes of roses, that old woman in the shoe seem like a minor league player.

I don't believe that Guiness keeps records for the greatest number of rose bushes added to a private garden within a specified period of time, but if they did…

"How many?" you ask. "And over what period of time?" It's something I honestly prefer not to think about, but perhaps it's time for me to confess my severe addiction to our national flower. I planted my first rose bush in April 2001, so it's not difficult to calculate the time period – four years going on five. "How many?" you ask again. Does a magician reveal the secret to his tricks? Does the reporter reveal her sources? You're right; some reporters do eventually reveal their sources. "You're stalling. For the last time, how many?" you ask, with more than a hint of irritation.

I mumble a number and glance around the room for possible escape routes. But you've placed thorny rose guards at each door. "Speak up!" you nearly shout. Realizing that further resistance is futile, I stall for just a bit more time. "Including my seedlings, or not including my seedlings?" I ask, knowing full well how feeble this must have sounded. "A rose is a rose is a rose, or something like that," you reply. "If they're rose seedlings, then yes, with the seedlings. On second thought, let me have the numbers with and without the seedlings."

Wall to wall seedlings occupy one end of the backyard

Thinking that somehow it will be less painful if I write the numbers rather than speak them, I scribble a few words on a piece of paper and hand it to you, head down, eyes averted.:

I can see from the look of surprise on your face that even you were clueless as to the severity of my addiction. Trying to act nonchalant, you ask a few inane questions. "And of this total, roughly how many are in pots?" you ask. "Oh, not all that many. I'd estimate about 5,000 of them," I chuckled. "Only about 5,000 of them are in pots," you repeat, as if at a loss to know what else to say. "We must have at least a dozen members of our rose society who curently grow 5,000 roses in pots," you reply, trying your best to look totally unconcerned trying to remember where you read about a residential treatment plan for rose addiction of the most severe type. In fact, if your memory serves you, that particular institution claimed a cure rate in the vicinity of 65% following a 30-day period of total withdrawal from roses and another three short years of in-patient treatment.

Prune one, skip 50 and repeat.

"There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,

She had so many children she didn't know what to do."

There's a version of the story that goes into great detail about how the old woman's addiction to collecting childen became so serious that she borrowed and begged until she had enough money to purchase a second shoe….

It was time to have some fun with my friend. "Do you know what it cost that woman in the shoe to feed all those children?" I asked in the most serious tone I could muster. "You don't? Well neither do I! But I empathize with her and can tell you a bit about caring for over 5,000 roses.

Rounding down to a nice even 5,000 roses acquired or bred since April 2001, that equates to an average of 86.2 new roses per month, or 2.84 new roses per day over a period of nearly five years.

A 15-gallon nursery pot can cost $7.00 or more at retail

Pots aren't cheap, even when purchased in bulk, as is the mixture that goes into them. With over 2,000 roses in pots 15-gallons or larger, nursery pots definitely aren't bought at retail.

In my most serious tone of voice I inform you that Corky's Pest Control advertises a service where in addition to taking care of your pest control needs, they'll happily fertilize your roses for $6.00 per bush, with at least three applications recommended. Using their minimum suggested program, three applications at $6.00 per application per bush would be $18.00 per bush per year. The total by which Corky would be enriched each year at $18.00 times 5,000 rose bushes works out to a cool $90,000 per year to have Corky feed 5,000 roses. And that doesn't include their basic pest control program. Needless to say, I've not signed up for Corky's very reasonable rose feeding program. But if you're feeling a need to lighten your wallet, more information may be obtained at: http://www.corkyspest.com/rose.html.

I really feel for that old woman in the show when she had to feed all those kids. Why don't we have a look at Mills Magic, since the folks at Beaty Fertilizer provide a handy chart entitled "How Much Do I Need Per Feeding?" They say that their 40 pound bag will feed 50-60 roses. Let's use 50, as it's quite easy to calculate how many times 50 goes into 5000. The answer? A nice round 100. So 100 40 pound bags would be required for just one feeding. Their 40 lb. bag retails for $54.99, so at retail Mills Magic Rose Mix would set me back $5,499 per feeding. They suggest that it be applied every six weeks if used alone. I won't even begin to venture into such lofty calculations.

What did that dear woman do when it came time for haircuts? Undoubtedly she became quite good with a pair of scissors. The thought of pruning 5,000 roses is enough to bring on a migraine, even for someone who doesn't get migraines. How long would it take to prune 5,000 rose bushes? To be conservative, I'll subtract the 2,000 seedlings, though many of them are at that awkward stage where they need trimming every so often. But we won't count them in this calculation. So we'll take 3,000 as the number of plants to be pruned. How many minutes per plant? Let's figure 10 minutes per plant, again using a conservative number. 3000 plants x 10 minutes = 30,000 minutes = 500 hours. Even if one could prune for eight hours a day, five days a week, it would take well over three months at that clip (pun intended) to complete the pruning process.

Pruning 5,000 roses? Only 4,950 left to go!

I'll never forget the advice given to me by an seasoned rosarian not all that long after I started to grow roses. He cautioned me not to grow more roses than I could comfortably care for by myself. What a ridiculous limitation to impose upon myself, I thought at the time…

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,

She had so many children she didn't know what to do.

She first thought of buying yet another shoe or two,

But instead bailed and sailed to Tahiti at age 92 (without the kids!).